FIGHTING LOVE FOR FRIENDSHIP.
I don’t want to hurt you but If I say yes I’ll just be delaying the inevitable, and if I say no I’ll obviously be hurting you which I will do anything to avoid.
I know you think we can’t predict the future but I know myself too much that I won’t let you suffer at the awakening of my demons.
You think I don’t understand what you’re going through but you’re wrong, because I know exactly what you’re going through. I am living with the same pain. I am hurting over you as much as you’re hurting over me.
You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you. I wish we could be more than what we are now but I also want us to remain happy and stay happy for ever.
You want to see me when you want to see me which to you is every day and even if I don’t let you, I want to see you every time I open my eyes.
Am holding on to the moments we have had, the laughter, the loud silences and I know we want to make many more memories but I treasure what we have now so much and that’s why I can’t take another step which might have consequences that might erase all that we have shared.
I think about you all the time mostly before I go to sleep so that I could dream about you but when I wake up I can’t stop telling myself to stay away from you. I spend the rest of the day fighting my own heart as it tells me to move forward, go for more while I tell it to relax, that I have had enough and that I am fine with you the way I am with you now.
I wish we could learn to be together but not together if that even makes sense. Maybe we can hold hands like we’ve done before and let it be just that. Laugh without looking in each other’s eyes because I can’t help staring in your eyes and composing love stories at the back of my mind.
I want to be with you but what if one day we get tired of each other, what then? What if you don’t see as much as you see in me today later on? What if I just wake up one day and want to be far away from you? What if I stop feeling what I feel for you? What then? What if we stop loving each other?
Maybe we are better off as friends. Maybe we are better off far from each other. But no, maybe we just need to remain close to each other.
I know you want to be with me and yes want to be with you too but am not sure if our story will be as perfect as I tell it in my thoughts and imaginations. I can’t be with you if am not sure what will happen when we have our first argument, or our second… what if we don’t resolve it? I don’t want you to ever be angry with me because I wouldn’t be able to live with it.
I like your smile too much, I love your laughter and I don’t want to be the one to take that from you because I’ll be taking my happiness from me.
I know how I feel about you, about us but I don’t know if I am ready to act upon those feelings.
What I know for sure is that I don’t want to lose you and if I have to say no to keep you as a friend forever, I will. I would rather stay with you forever than have you and then lose you later.